by Lt. Cmdr. K'wISt "the twistai guy" vestai- XuDetlh, Former Commander of the IKV BortaS & KAG Raider

Tribbles, as any good Klingon knows, are annoying shrilling furballs that rank somewhere between a nuisance and a plague. They have no eyes, claws or teeth, yet they multiply like an epidemic. They are too noisy to eat live, and too unappealing to eat dead. (...and even then, such a contagion may still breed in the stomach.) Tribbles are only good for killing.

When faced with the task of killing a tribble, the average Klingon may be at a loss as to the best approach. Faced with such a burden, many a battle has been lost by Klingons distracted by sleepless nights, contemplating the tactics of tribble kill. It has become such a problem, the question was deferred to the Sciences Department.

After months of research, we have listed the 101 most effective ways of tribble skinning. It is our hope that by publishing our findings, our success in battle may continue unhampered.

1) Feed it microwavable popcorn... then nuke it.

2) Spiral peel it 'orange-style', and use the skin as a Khristmas Ornament.

3) Feed it some of KuurIIs's Chili.

4) Wash it in 'Hot' for a day or two.

5) Set disrupter on 'Carve.'

6) Inflate to 60 p.s.i.

7) Feed it a box spring.

8) Reverse polarity on the transporter.

9) Toss it to the Targs.

10) Pour Regulan Bloodwine in it's water. (Foof! Hot stuff.)

11) Take it deep sea fishing... as bait.

12) Feed it pepper and cork its mouth.

13) Mail it bulk rate, U.S. Postal Service.

14) Strap antlers to it and beam it into Kentucky.

15) Label it "Hershey's," and deliver to Rokah.

16) Label it "Dog," and deliver to Rokah.

17) Send it swimming... in a deep fryer.

18) Take it bowling... as a ball.

19) Take it bowling... as a pin.

20) Take the Ridgeheads bowling (*grin*), and use it as a ball cover. (*gulp*)

21) Use it as an oven mitten.

22) Use a pair of them as Klingon Slippers.

23) Hook it up to a Sony Walkman with an energy output in excess of 250,000 watts. (And watch its brains fly out its nostrils.)

24) Vaporize it... in a bamboo steamer.

25) Charge it... with 2000 volts.

26) Scrub pans with it.

27) Let it play on a power saw.

28) Invite it for malts... and blend it.

29) Deliver it to a wig-maker.

30) Take it skateboarding... as a ramp.

31) Take it rollerblading... using pizza-cutters as in-line skates.

32) Drop from 3000 ft.

33) Draw it into yarn, and knit a battle-sweater.

34) Tell a dentist to remove its abscessed tooth.

35) Iron it flat and deliver to William Shatner.

36) Stuff it pita-style full of serpent worms.

37) Try Trinitrotoluene. (TNT)

38) Sledge-O-Matic.

39) .45 calibur hollow points.

40) Orange Juicer.

41) Freeze to -170 Fahrenheit.

42) Give it a kiss... with a vacuum cleaner.

43) Roast 'em over a campfire like popcorn. (Jiffy Puff.tm)

44) Painstick.

45) Batting Cage... with Betlh'etlh's.

46) Challenge it to a sword fight.

47) Declare "Twibble Season."

48) Beam to whole kit 'n Kabootle over to the ROMULAN's engine room.

49) Label it "walnut" and give to a squirrel.

50) Place your agonizer on it for about two hours.

51) Teach it the Mexican Knife Trick.

52) Pickle it... then drop the jar.

53) Dunk it in milk, and let the cats lick it off.

54) Tell it to shower... in the agony booth.

55) Give it a drink... from a fire hydrant.

56) Play it music... from inside a Tuba.

57) Have tea with it... poison ritual tea.

58) Teach it to walk tightrope.. on monomolecular filament.

59) Give it a light-show... with lasers.

60) Take it waterskiing... over gravel.

61) Wax your surfboard with it.

62) Give it a trim... with a weed whip.

63) Go golfing with a bagfull.

64) Go frisbee golfing... with shurikens.

65) Go Putt-Putting (forthefunofit)... putting with battleaxes.

66) Feed it Pop-tarts... *inside* the toaster.

67) Shampoo it... with Drain-O.

68) Give it a sandwich... between a rock and a hard place.

69) Train it for cross country... in a mine field.

70) Give it a sandwich... full of spiked knuckles.

71) Massage it... with #3 sandpaper.

72) Give it Coke AND Pepsi... and watch a splendiferous chemical reaction ensue.

73) Give it a lesson in archery... with generous amounts of "target practice." (Practice makes perfect...)

74) Dehydrate it... and then Re-hydrate it.

75) Teach it mechanics... from inside a running engine.

76) Invite it to play "Twister"... with the Fat Boys.

77) Feed it baking soda, then bathe it in vinegar. (Plop Plop. Fizz Fizz.)

78) Stack 'em on a pole for a kitten scratch-post.

79) Tell a fellow Klingon, "It's a toothbrush."

80) Invite it to a hockey game... as a puck.

82) Raise a racket... a tennis racket.

83) Teach it repelling... in an active volcano.

84) Teach it windboarding... in a tornado.

85) Make it a chew toy for your Mugato.

86) Light it like a cigar.

87) Give it a Holodeck Holiday... in Worf's Calisthenics Program, level 9.

88) Give it a lollipop... tied to a NASCAR.

89) Place it in a can of tennis balls addressed to Andre Agasi.

90) Peel it banana style and serve with Jello.tm.

91) Read it Vogon poetry.

92) Launch it from a photon tube. ("Hey man, oxygen is for losers.")

93) Beam it amidst a "Bald is Beautiful" convention.

94) Give it a ride... in a linear accelerator.

95) Use it as a lightbulb. (Soft White.)

96) Drop it onto hot tar.

97) Lay a chewing gum obstacle course.

98) Strap 'em on as skis.

99) Roll it in Scotch tape.

100) Let it sit 'n spin... in a centrifuge at 1250 rpm.

and now for the one that eludes so many perplexed Klingons...

101) Use your knife, you moronic excuse of a Klingon Warrior.

This project has proven to be so inspiring, that we of the IKV BortaS have decided to make it a Klingon children's book. I shall be happy to do the illustrations... as soon as Lt.J.G. Bley'loQ tai-Seyba'tIIm translates it into the Klingon Language. (*malicious grin*) Until then, Qapla''a'!

K'wISt, "the twistai guy"

aka Joel "Twisty" Nye

twisty@iac.net, twisty@tso.uc.edu